Terrible Two's

No, not the days that a child goes through around the age of two. For me it is the days surrounding the 2 year anniversary of the death of my son, Lt Ken Ballard.

I thought life would be "better" by now, but I am convinced that life will never be better, it will be different and that's about it. We've all had difficult times in our lives, whether those times are financial, affairs of the heart or illness. I've had my fair share, not less or more than the average Jane. While I was recovering from any one of those difficult times, I would tell myself, "in 6 months, things will be better. You won't know how you got through this, but you will" It always worked like that before.

The other day Oprah said, when she was having a crisis, she always knew there would be something better on the other side. I know that to be untrue. A broken heart? yes; a job loss? yes. An illness or death, I don't think she can say that for sure; I know I can't.

This year I survived 10 days into May before I fell apart, which is 10 days better than I did last year. The part that is different, though, is that I haven't gotten off the bottom yet. I feel that I am in a tsunami and going down for the 3rd time. I don't know what makes this year different, but it is darker, deeper and more lonely than any time I have ever known. It is also more hopeless.

It could be that way because of the political climate in this country. But with only 20% of people supporting this administration, I want to know WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? On a recent flight, I was fortunate to sit with 2 of the very few Democrats from Texas. We were talking and I said I cannot imagine where those people are, those 20%. She said, they are her neighbors. Oil people, I asked? No, conservative Christians. That makes sense, but 20%? Come on out people, please identify yourselves. If only from a socialogical study, I want to know who you are. We need to study you and find out why you think the way you do faced with empirical evidence of the lies that this adminstration uses for their own purposes.

My therapist says it's grief, this black fog that I am in. I don't know what that means exactly. According to the dictionary, grief means Mental anguish or pain caused by loss or despair. I know that, but dealing with grief is just so personal and so unimaginable. I know I am not the first one to lose a child, I know I am not the first one to deal with grief and mine isn't the worst or the best case. It's all bad, this grief stuff.

My family is lucky, we had to deal with the loss of our grandparents, by the decade, in 1960, 1970, 1980 and then in 1992. I have no living grandparents, and I lost an uncle to polio in the 50's, but for the most part we have not had to deal with grief. We have been blessed in some ways, although I could make a case that life didn't prepare me for this journey of bereavement I am on.

I just needed to say that.

What's that word?

A few months back one of my friends said she had been talking to her boss about me. They said they didn't know of a word for a mother or father who lost a child. There is a word for a spouse who loses a spouse, a widow or widower. There is a word when a child loses parents, an orphan.

But my friend got me thinking. I hadn't heard of a word and I wondered why not. I thought there must be a word in another language as English is somewhat ascetic when it comes to those kinds of emotional words.

I asked a friend whose native language is Spanish if there was such a word. No, she didn't know of a word in her language either. She said losing a child was too terrible to have a word for it.

I still thought, this act of losing a child has been around forever, why has no one put a name to this awful existence.

I posted the question on Yahoo Answers hoping that a linguist would answer. I am sorry to report, although I received numerous answers, there doesn't seem to be a word to describe a parent who loses a child.

Here are some of the responses I received:

jmmevolve said No parent should outlive their child. It is just too devastating.

dcfringringhoe said "desolation I think. There is no word to describe the loss of a child - it must be the most awful thing in the world. So bad that no-one has invented a word for it.

eduardo agreed with my Spanish speaking friend and said "I think the idea itself is taboo, so nobody even dares to give it a name. In Spanish, my native language, there is no word for that either. It's too painful."

hafiz said "There is no single-word. Let's assume, if at all you need then there can be two-words: 'grieved-parent/s' (God forbid)."

cj said "devastation-incredible sadness, emptiness. No parent should survive their child. "

imagineitnow2012 said "I remember in some movie it was said "It's just too horrible to have a name"

and country girl said "I can't imagine losing one of my kids. But, you make a very good point. I can't think of one. "

And some people just responded "there is no word"

Obviously, this is my very meager attempt at finding out, to give myself a name, a descritpion; but it seems no one has been brave enough or had enough love to assign a word to this terrible predicament, this awkward position that I find myself in.

It's kind of sad, really.

Sad Commentry

It is a sad commentary on the state and mindset of our country when it is okay to publish a large color photograph of one of the world's most dangerous dead terrorist on the front page of major newspapers, but we cannot see photographs of a flag covered coffins as our precious American sons and daughters return from war.

Shame, shame, shame!

Zarqawi today, who's next?

Terror leader al-Zarqawi dead, Iraqi officials say. That is what CNN is saying very early this morning.

al-Zarqawi, was suspected of being the masked man who beheads U.S. hostage Nicholas Berg, as he lets out piercing screams.' on a video that his group posted on his website.

"For the mothers and wives of American soldiers, we tell you that we offered the U.S. administration to exchange this hostage for some of the detainees in Abu Ghraib (prison), and they refused," the voice said. "Coffins will be arriving to you one after the other, slaughtered just like this."

How does the CIA feel about him now that he is dead? Afterall, they were the ones who recruited him to fight in the Soviet-Afghan war.

There will be jubilating. Zarqawi is dead! We are winning (or have won) the war on terror! Ain't it grand? There's no denying he was a bad, bad man, perhaps even evil. So is Saddam Hussein. The President will call this a watershed day, we are staying the course to victory- see, I told ya so, he'll say as he smirks into the camera! Not so fast, cowboy, there will always be bad guys. Who's next? Will it be the punk, Moqtada al Sadr, or Al-Masri?

Meanwhile, more than 20000 US soldiers are dead or wounded, as are probably more than 100,000 Iraqi citizens. And where in the world is Osama bin Laden?

Priorities

Our legislators have been busy this week, and I have to wonder about their priorities. The President called for a Constitutional Amendment Protecting Marriage that would legally define marriage as the union between a man and a woman. I'm sorry, but I didn't know that marriage needed protecting. From homosexuals? Oh, them, yeah, right.

The Senate didn't spend a lot of time, but more than was necessary to discuss how homosexuals are ruining marriage and children and everyone else and sending this country straight to hell. Attention Washington, how many heterosexuals are threatened by gay marriage? There are obviously a few, like James Dobson and his crazy crew in Colorado, but really, not enough to make this kind of fuss about it. In the end, the 49 to 48 vote fell short of the 60 votes needed to end debate.

The Democrats said the vote was an attempt to muster conservative support ahead of the November congressional elections and divert public attention from more pressing issues like the war in Iraq that reflect poorly on Republicans.

I agree with the Democrats and I would much rather have the president and everyone in Congress spend their time figure out how to bring the troops home NOW! Our soldiers are dying while our legislators are playing games about the sexuality of this country.

Also, Congress voted this week to increase the indecency fines ten times for television shows that may not air obscene material at any time, and may not air indecent material between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. when children are more likely to be in the audience.

"We're not going to stop until marriage between a man and a woman is protected," about the Marriage amendment and "This is a victory for children and families," said Senate sponsor Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan. "The higher fines were needed, he said, "in a world saturated with violent and explicit media." about the indecency fines. I'm glad Senator Brownback is worried about violence on TV, which may be why photos of the war are not shown, but that's another subject. (26 soldiers from Kansas have been killed in Iraq since the war began)

"We simply cannot strip marriage of its core that it's a union between a man and a woman," said Arizona Republican Jon Kyl. (58 soldiers from Arizona have been killed since the war began)

Rep. Kevin Brady, R-TX, said the House will proceed on what will be a solely symbolic vote on gay marriage ban "because it's important at times to let everyone be on the record on where they stand on key issues." (222 soldiers from Texas have been killed since the war began)

I could go on, but really, our legislators need to pay attention to the public. The numbers of people who disapprove of the way George W. Bush is handling the situation with Iraq is in the 60 percentile. With 2484 US casualties in Iraq, our legislators need to work on ending the war instead of whipping up a frenzy about a non-issue like sexuality.

"A US Soldier"

A reporter* was seriously injured by a car bomb in Baghdad on Memorial Day, 2006. Her two British colleagues**, cameraman and soundman were both killed in the attack. A US soldier and an Iraqi interpreter were also killed.

"A US soldier", as he has been referred to, is Captain James A Funkhouser, 35, from Katy, TX was near his Humvee during reconnaissance patrol operations when the car bomb detonated on Memorial Day.

Funkhouser, a 1989 graduate of Katy's Taylor High School was assigned to the 1st Bat, 12th Infantry Reg, 4th Brigade, 4th Infantry Division at the time of his death. Funkhouser, who was known by his middle name, "Alex," was commissioned by his father, retired Army Col. James Funkhouser Sr.

Jennifer said her husband served at Fort Hood as an armor officer training men for Iraq. He was a "great husband and a hands on father", his wife Jennifer said. He also leaves behind his 2 daughters, Kaitlyn, 4, and Allison, 2.

An Iraqi interpreter, "Sam" also was killed in the blast, and six U.S. soldiers were injured.

We don't know much more than that about the interpreter and we don't know the extent of injuries to those 6 US soldiers who were injured in the car bombing, but now we know about "A US Soldier", whose name was not known immediately. Presumably the delay in releasing his name was due to the notification process, but we need to know these names and see these faces of who is dying in this war.

We Gold Star families and those whose loved ones have been wounded would not wish this journey on anyone. If this incident serves as a reminder that Iraq is a dangerous place for everyone, including journalists, soldiers and Iraqi civilians, then let that be the purpose. TV viewers need to understand that the dread the families of Dozier, Brolan and Douglas lived with every day while they were in Iraq is the new normal for military families every day. Welcome to our world.


*Kimberly Dozier, CBS News Correspondent
**Paul Douglas, CBS News Cameraman
**James Brolan, CBS News Soundman

Cadet Bush at West Point

I have to turn this over to James Ryan, a 1962 West Point Graduate today. I can't decide if I am amused or angry. With any luck, both. Posted on Common Dreams.org, here ya go-


Mister Bush, you deserve a good reaming for your performance at the United States Military Academy graduation on Saturday. Post around to my room for some character guidance.
Come in, wackhead. Slam up against that wall! Suck up that capacious gut! Shoulders back! Pop up that puny chest! Fingers along the seams of your trousers! You want to be our big buddy, Mister? What’s that? I can’t hear you… Sound off, dumbsmack! Yes, you say? Yes, what? That’s an incomplete statement, beanhead. Tack a “sir” at the end. That’s better.
So you think you can be our big buddy by spouting some cadet slang in a speech? One hour here at Hudson High, and you’re falling out, acting like an upper classman. That’s pathetic behavior, Mister Bush. This is one place where you have to earn privileges, Mister! You got that? You think all we care about up here is war? From your speech one would think so. You must love yakking about IEDs, convoy operations, and running checkpoints. There is so much more going on up here, mister, and you make us out to be cannon fodder. So run your feeble neck in another notch for that.
You must be corrected about this place, West Point. It’s not a “tin school.” That’s just a joke, and not one for either you or Rumsfeld to crack wise about. West Point is supposed to develop military leadership to provide expertise in the increasingly complex world of geopolitics. Rumsfeld’s wishful thinking and arrogance swept all that away. His (and your) tragically flawed, ego-driven ideology trumped empirical, professional judgment and leadership. Over a score of generals walked rather than bow their necks under the deceitful yoke of Rumsfeld. And then you ended up with the likes of Tommy “We Don’t Do Body Counts” Franks. But now he IS counting bodies… those of our own troops. “What we’re talking about is neither 2,400, 24,000 or 240,000 lives,” the dismissive Franks said at a recent NRA bash, adding paradoxically, “It (terrorism) doesn’t have anything to do with politics.” Does this make you feel proud, Mister Bush? To have people like this develop policies for the United States of America? When you get back to DC, you tell Rumsfeld to drive around to our room and we’ll explain a few things to him too.
We pay attention to everything up here at West Point, Mister Bush. Even the fact that you told the same joke about giving cadets amnesty that you told four years ago. You should be more respectful of West Point, Mister Bush. That seems to be a pattern in your behavior, smackhead. Telling the same stories over and over. And you throw around the names of old grads like Eisenhower and Bradley, using them to somehow justify what you and your big buddies in DC have done to the world. What do you know about Eisenhower or Bradley? You might get away with that stuff in the oval office, but not up here. Not at West Point. You got that, wack? You got that loud and clear, beansmack? Good. Retain same.
The Long Gray Line spans the generations, mister. Its spirit fills the geographic, intellectual, and moral space that is West Point. The old grads are always there. – Mister Bush, you want to buy this place? No? Well stop gawking! Keep those slimy eyeballs straight ahead. Pick a spot on the opposite wall and examine it! – You never said anything about what those old grads said. You just got the cadets’ attention by saying the words, Eisenhower and Bradley, but then that was the idea, wasn’t it? Then you launched into how President Truman did this, that, and the other thing. You even pulled a Winston Churchill with your “…never back down…never give in…never accept anything less than a complete victory” routine. It reminded many of us of that “mission accomplished” crud that you blabbed off the coast of San Diego a few years ago. Just who are you, Mister Bush? Makes cadets wonder whether there’s anything inside that fine civilian suit of yours? You read me, Mister Bush?
Do you remember what you said here at the Academy four years ago? About pre-emptive action? Do you know what Dwight Eisenhower said about that much earlier? Don’t hem and haw, Mister Bush. Here at West Point there are only three answers for smacks like you… Yes sir. No sir. No excuse sir. Remember that! And remember this! Eisenhower said, “When people speak to you about a preventive war, you tell them to go and fight it. After my experience, I have come to hate war.” And his fellow classmate from the class of 1915, the class the stars fell on, Omar Bradley was even clearer. “Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked,” he said, “and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the dead.”
You feel like sharing any of that responsibility, any of that guilt, Mister Bush? Your decision, your deceit-filled decision, to attack Iraq has cost tens of thousands of lives. What do you have to say about that? It seems to us that you have to watch your language, Mister Bush. I mean you still maintain that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, and that he was somehow responsible for 9/11. Your evasions and quibbling and lies have cost the world dearly. Cram your neck in, Mister Bush. And you implied as much again in your speech at West Point:
“On September the 11th, 2001, we saw that the problems originating in a failed and oppressive state 7,000 miles away could bring murder and destruction to our country.”
Which country might that have been, Mister Bush? No specification followed. Rack your neck in further for another gross deception!
Four years ago, you were introduced to the graduating class of 2002 as “a man who exemplifies the West Point motto of Duty, Honor, Country.” That now revolts some graduates of West Point. At West Point, we uphold the Cadet Honor Code… a cadet will not lie cheat or steal or tolerate those who do. Mister Bush, it seems to us that you and your ilk have done exactly the opposite. (Keep that chin firmly in!) And you are still, cooking up war stories, unalloyed of truth, further proving, if such was now necessary, that lying, even under your combat imaginings, jeopardizes the lives of fighting men and women. And Saturday you told the graduating cadets that “the war began on my watch but it’s going to end on yours.” Perhaps you would like to correct that statement? Perhaps consider adding what is now widely known, that the assault on Iraq began premised on lies. That it is illegal. That these lies have severely dissipated the capability, morale, and reputation of United States military forces, and the United States of America. And that the young men and women of West Point in this year’s graduating class may also be soon at risk for crimes against the Geneva Convention. And that you don’t give a damn for anything we just said. Would you like to make a statement, Mister Bush?
Urp!*
*(”Urp” is (or was) cadet oral slang directed at first-year cadets (plebes) and stands for “RP” an acronym for the command, “Respond promptly.” )

James Ryan graduated from West Point in 1962. He is cofounder of West Point Graduates Against The War.

Remember Memorial Day

Open Letter to Members of Congress

On Memorial Day, we raise our flags; we want to show our patriotism. We have a holiday from work and we have BBQ's with our friends and families. For some, it is a day to save some money at the mall- 15% off- Memorial Day sale! When we celebrate those events, we ignore the origins of Memorial Day. Memorial Day is the day that we, as a country pay our respects and remember those soldiers who were killed or who died in service to America. For politicians it is a day to participate in civic activities and to visit cemeteries. Politicians articulate our sorrow as a nation.

I want to tell you about one soldier that will be remembered this Memorial Day. 1Lt Kenneth Michael Ballard of Mountain View, California was 26 years old when he was killed in a fierce battle in Najaf, Iraq on 5.30.04. His gravestone at Arlington National Cemetery is plain. That headstone in Section 60, Site 8006 tells when he was born and when he died. It describes his valor and heroism with his medals, his 3 Bronze Stars, 2 with valor and his Purple Heart.

But you need to know more than that about Ken. You need to know this because you sent my only child to his untimely death. You are keeping our members of the military in harm's way in Iraq and you have the power to bring them home and to stop this senseless killing.

Ken was my only child. He was the oldest of 15 grandchildren. I raised Ken on my own for 25 years and I loved him a lot. So did his aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and his large circle of friends. He loved any kind of music as long as it was loud, Mexican food and driving his truck. He was so proud to serve his country as a 4th generation Army Officer. As a Platoon Leader and young Lieutenant, he loved his guys and they loved & respected him.

A mother wants to know her child is loved, but she doesn't want to find that out at his funeral when he is only 26 years old. And she surely doesn't want to watch his 26 year old friends bury their best friend. There is just something not right with that picture, but there is nothing right about this story.

A mother wants to watch her son grow to be the man he would have been. She wants to see him gaze into the eyes of the woman who will be his wife, and a mother wants to dance with her son at his wedding. She wants to hold his firstborn, counting the fingers and toes of this, her first grandchild. Would that baby have had the same cleft in their chin- just like their daddy? I'll never know because my baby came home in a box covered with a flag.

My son took an oath to defend the Constitution and to obey the orders of the President of the United States. In return, his Commander in Chief and this country owed him the TRUTH about the mission and why he and his men were going into harms way. They should never be sent into combat without suitable equipment or proper training.

They should never be sent to into war without proper planning and without an exit strategy. They should never be sent into hostilities unless it is our last option. In March of 2003, there were other options.

You sent my only child to his untimely death. You are keeping our members of the military in harm's way in Iraq and you have the power to bring them home and to stop this pointless killing.

When you visit that cemetery to participate in Memorial Day ceremonies and proclaim the words of a grateful nation, look beyond the names on the headstones. Know there is a loving, broken family left behind every single one. Think about Ken. Look at his face; look at his eyes. He is one of 2463 US soldiers to die in this illegal war so far. He was the 100th soldier from California to die in Iraq. Ken is not a number, he's not a statistic. Think about Ken and the life that was stolen from our family when you vote to continue funding this war. It is time to end the lies. It is time to put up a vigorous fight to come up with an exit strategy that will end this war now. Do that because it is the right thing to do. Do it for Ken and for me. No other family should have to travel this hellish journey.

Where will you be on Memorial Day? What will you do to really honor our soldiers? I will be at Arlington National Cemetery on this Memorial Day 2006.
It will have been two years since Ken was brutally killed.

Lt Ken Ballard 7.21.77 -5.30.04

p.s. Happy Birthday Patrick & Travis, Gold Star sons

The Last Phone Call

Thursday before Memorial Day- 10:34 a.m. PDT

I had a meeting scheduled to discuss financial issues at my job at 10:30. My co-worker had arrived at my office and we were just about to get started when my cell phone rang. Calls from Ken in Iraq always had caller ID, but it never came through the same path., so they were always my mystery caller. It was a pretty good chance that calls from Georgia or Chicago were from Ken. We laughed about it, but never figured it out.

I waved my co-worker off, signalling that it was a call from my son! I was always overjoyed to hear Ken's voice, especially that month. Ken always sounded tired and he had a scratchy voice from breathing all those sand particles. Since their unit had been extended back in early April, they had been in constant battles, and in May that was the case every single day.

We talked about alot of things, 37 minutes worth. Nothing special, expect that it was the last phone call and we didn't know it. We talked about his plans for his 30 day leave, the people who he would visit, the foods he had been craving and about the computer he wanted to buy. I asked him to buy me some prayer beads to give to my women friends who had been such a support to me while Ken was deployed. Ken said he would pick some up in Kuwait on his way back to Germany. Then he laughed and told me he thought he would pick up some burqas for us instead. He thought that was pretty funny.

One of the things Ken dreamed about was the BMW he was going to order for himself when he got back to Germany. In that last phone call, he told me it would be blue and he told me the model number. I think that was one of the things that removed his mind from his days and nights in Iraq.

I had an radio interview early the next morning on our local ABC affiliate, who had taken to calling me the "Mom from Mountain View". The Bay area is not the military community as it had been previous to the 80's and the morning news team at KGO was interested in my viewpoint as the mother of a soldier who had been extended; we had first started talking early in April. Although I was very nervous in those early days, the host was extremely kind to me. I would sit and wait to go on the air taking deep cleansing breathes, thinking, "it's just my pal Ed and me- NOT 50,000 watts reaching who knew how many listeners?" The thing about those live interviews is, you never know what they are going to ask you.

The interview that Friday morning was not much different than the others, except that it was the Friday before that big holiday weekend, woo hoo, Memorial Day! A day off from work, BBQ, going to the beach!

Being raised in an Army family, Memorial Day was meaningful to me and I reminded the listeners that there were 135,000 soldiers serving in Iraq, who were far from their families and to please lift a cold one in their honor as they were lighting up their own barbeques and enjoying their day off. I also said that the day before had been a "bonus day" for me, I had received a letter AND a phone call from Ken.

I didn't know how many people were listening that morning, but I heard from so many people after Ken was killed who told me they heard my Memorial Day message and took note to remember the soldiers.

That we were notified that Ken was killed on Memorial Day is no coincidence. Forever, those who knew Ken or knew of him will always remember why we celebrate Memorial Day. I hope you will do the same.

GI Deaths- Cost of Security

Does Tommy Franks have a book deal? Is he thinking of running for office somewhere? You haven't heard much from him lately, so why has he crawled out from under his rock now?

A few years back, I think Ken was still alive then, General Franks appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman. Dave made a comment about the small number of deaths in Iraq at the time. Franks chastened Dave and basically said that any death was too many in war. Dave was appropriately contrite and agreed. I cried that night and thought there was one general in the military who "got it". But once again, I was fooled and I retract that. I was wrong. Tommy Franks is sipping the koolaid of the administration and I don't get it.

At a recent speech to the NRA (no surprise) in Wisconsin, he said that GI deaths is the cost of security in this country

Those who count the increasing number of American soldiers killed in Iraq are missing the bigger picture, retired Gen. Tommy Franks said Saturday night. "What we're talking about is neither 2,400, 24,000 or 240,000 lives," Franks said at the National Rifle Association's annual banquet. "Terrorism is a thing that threatens our way of life. It doesn't have anything to do with politics.".

Any number more than zero would be too many in this mess in Iraq. Until one of his loved ones is under fire in Iraq, of course it doesn't matter what the number is. We are talking about the son's and daughters of this country, our most precious resource, that have been squandered, and to accomplish what? This war was wrong, it is wrong and it will be wrong and we must bring our troops home now.

This administration has insured that terrorism has grown. With the invasion of Iraq and the lack of planning to secure the country, the borders of Iraq were wide open to Al-Qaida. Party in Iraq! let's get some live fire training on Americana soldiers. Do we feel safer as a country since the invasion?

Franks continued

We have to secure ourselves. We have to secure our Constitution.

Secure the Constitution? Oh, please, he's talking to the wrong audience. He needs to talk to his pal in the White House, who has been accused of calling the Constitution a "[expletive] piece of paper".

I don't care about your politics. I don't. It makes me think about going into politics.

please don't....

Welcome Home

Today was the day we planned for Ken's Welcome Home party back in 2004. We had planned a gala celebration at the airport. My older sister, the retired LTC, had teased Ken that she & I would wear sparkly tube tops as part of our ensemble to the airport. (full disclosure, I should never wear a tube top, sparkly or otherwise anywhere).

Ken threatened to change his flight plans and not let us know which airport where he would arrive to avoid any kind of extra attention. He knew should have known better. He knew his mother and his favorite aunts would find a way to hunt him down, he knew he was no match for our feminine wiles. There would be flags and banners and probably music. My family is far and above most when it comes to airport welcomes and this would be the mother of all welcomes. These lively discussions were part of the decompression that was necessary for all of us to put this year in Iraq behind us.

Ken & I talked about him flying home 1st Class. He said he earned it and I couldn't agree with him more. That decision would wait, we still had 6 more weeks until the unit returned to Germany.

As you know by now, it turned out to be a different kind of welcome home and much sooner than we expected.

Instead of Ken's famous breathtaking hug, I was given a flag covered casket and his dog tags. I wear the dog tags near my heart; that's where Ken is now and forever.

The Army classified Ken as "non-viewable" due to his mortal injuries. It was just as well, I didn't want to see his dead body anyway. I didn't want that to be the lasting memory of him. I told the funeral director, "If you can't make him look like Ken, then I don't want to see him anyway". He told me that task was much more difficult with younger people, but that discussion took place before Ken 's body arrived home, so I don't know how bad it really was. I didn't question the judgment of the Army and based on reading the autopsy several months ago, I know it was the right decision for me.

I do wish that I had gotten a lock of his hair from the funeral home, although from what I could tell in his most recent photos from Iraq, his haircut was high and tight. The best I could have gotten was crumbs of hair, not a lock, but I can still wish for that.

May 22. Yes, this was the day that Ken would have been welcomed home by his family and friends and those people who dutifully sent CARE packages to Ken and his guys. They were my strength and my spirit when Ken was gone those 384 days. I could not have made it through the year without them. In a way, he became everyone's son.

I feel like I am in a tsunami, going down for the third time. When will it stop hurting so much? There's nothing to like about this day or this month.....


p.s. Happy Birthday to Jonathan , Evan and Casey- ALL Gold Star sons

Baghdad ER

The Army surgeon general is warning that the HBO documentary "Baghdad ER" is so graphic that military personnel watching it could experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD? Got it already and I don't need to know what the symptoms are, I know them upside, downside, inside and out. As the mother of a soldier killed in Iraq, it did not trigger any of that for me; I experience those symptoms every day. To see this compelling film only validated what I know or at least what I think I know about the excellent and professional care and concern given to our young military men and women when they are wounded or killed.

This documentary is introduced as a tribute to the "heroism and staff of 86th Combat Support Hospital". The Surgeon General's office also said "This film will have a strong impact on viewers and may cause anxiety for some soldiers and family members." uh, yeah.... but not like I thought. The amputation they showed was war. The blood and the wounds were war. The gallows humor in the operating room is war. The tears were real and so was the grief.

What got to me was the personal stuff. One of the patient/soldiers has the same green eyes that Ken had. It broke my heart when an injured soldier called his mom and you could hear her voice change when her world back home collided with a hospital halfway around the world. A mom never really knows what is behind the words in a phone call from the war front, so even though this soldier said he was okay, I know his mom didn't believe him.

What also touched me was the comaraderie between the staff. They will see things in that ER that we or their peers at home will never see. They will see things that will never be spoken of outside of the boundaries of Iraq, but this hospital staff will bear these scars until they breathe their last breath.

I couldn't help but wonder how different my journey would have been had Ken been wounded instead of killed. What if, what if? What if he wasn't killed instantly and heroic measures were made to keep him alive? I don't take that litle trip. It is what it is, this new normal of mine.

As the ER chaplain stood over each of his patients who died, he prayed that the "life and death of this soldier would hasten the cause of peace and end this senseless war". How could a military chaplain feel any other way?

Baghdad ER should be mandatory viewing for every person in this country. They should know that war is brutal and graphic and ugly and raw. This is not Hollywood but it is reality for over 20,000 soldiers who have been killed and wounded and their families.

May sucks

I am not an angry person. It has not been a common emotion for me, although I've passed by it and through it in the last 2 years. Recently my state of mind has been sadness, the deepest of grief, and an anguish I never knew before May 2004.

I said I was angry on Mother’s Day and this anger is not going away. It's parked in my heart, the engine is revving. It’s different, too, this time; it is a raging anger towards the administration, people who don’t care or even think about this effing war and the fact that my only child came home in a flag covered box and finally anyone who is dumb enough to cross me. And I just miss Ken so much. What do you do with this kind of rage?

The day I was told that Ken was killed I vowed I would fight for everything that he had earned, every honor and every dignity. I have had no fear when it came to fighting for what was right for Ken and other military families. I have told anyone who I have dealt with, their rank or title did not impress me; I only wanted the truth. It was the right thing to do. Through all of that, my anger was contained and controlled.

There's a dirty secret that no one talks about that most Gold Star moms are at an age approaching or well into the “change of life”. Hormones are misbehaving, depression comes and goes, moods are swinging and thinking might be fuzzy. We don’t know if what we are feeling is hormones or grief. If we could control one or the other, maybe we could *know* what we are feeling instead of feeling everything at once. It’s just so damned unfair.

I am also feeling fragile these days. Fragility plus anger doesn’t compute; they seem diametrically opposed. I AM NOT A FRAGILE PERSON! One second, I feel as if I will dissolve in the ocean of tears that just won’t stop, and the next second, I could push the same ocean back.

May has been a milestone month in Ken’s and my life. Back in 1978, when Ken was 10 months old, I left my marriage behind in New York on Memorial Day as we headed back to California. Fast forward to May 2002, Ken graduated from college and was commissioned as a 2nd Lt in the Army. In May 2003, he left for Iraq and in May 2004, Ken was the 100th soldier from California to be killed in this hideous war.

May sucks.

Evil Eyes

My journeys to Washington DC have resulted in meetings with many great & powerful people. I have also met some people who are powerful and who will never be great. I believe that there are some people in DC who wake up in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror and smile as they tell themselves "I am the meanest son of a bitch in this town/country and I LIKE it that way" . They have no soul and they have no heart. I don't know what drives people like that. Perhaps it is greed or the quest for power. I have no desire to meet the president, the vice-president, the secretary of defense, or the secretary of state; they may be powerful, but they will never be great.

Until May 13, 2006 I never met someone who met that description.

I cannot explain why Richard Perle was at the Eyes Wide Open exhibit in Washington DC last weekend. There were 2437 empty pair of combat boots, representing the empty American lives left behind in this war, the human cost of war. I thought it strange that he would be there standing on the edge of the exhibit, almost as if overseeing the damage he did as the architect of this war.

A few of us Gold Star Moms saw him hovering, as if a vulture over his prey. The reasons to confront him were not complicated. We approached the area and when people realized who we were, they let us in. First Celeste, Sherwood's mom asked him why. When my turn came, I introduced myself and told him to look into my eyes and tell me why my only child came home in a flag covered box? He couldn't answer, of course. He gave some kind of lame patronizing, response about democracy in Iraq in many years. I asked him if it was worth it and he couldn't give a good response to that either. I pointed to the photo of Ken on my shirt and said, look at this face, tell me why! He wouldn't look.

I walked away from the confrontation into the arms of some of the other Gold Star families and cried. "They don't care, they just don't care" If I thought for one minute that they cared about the damage they have done, the overwhelming sadness that they have caused to the families, I might think differently, but they just don't care.

I wonder if he had ever met someone who was so violated by his war? If he hasn't, then my pain of confronting him was worthwhile. He cannot say he hasn't been touched by this war.

I had a radio interview after the confrontation and told them the story. The interviewer asked me what it was like, meeting Richard Perle. I asked her, "Have you ever looked into the eyes of someone who has no soul? His eyes have no life in them; it was frightening.

These people have evil in their eyes and in their hearts. There is a special place in hell for all of them.

Mothers Day at Arlington National Cemetary

Mother's Day didn't start off well.

For a long time after Ken was killed in Iraq nearly 2 years ago, I would stand in the shower and cry until the water turned cold. I couldn't tell the difference between tears and the shower; I didn't want to know and I didn't care anyway. I still cannot imagine how one person can cry so many tears for hours and days and months. I had one of those showers Mother's Day morning. Even if I hadn't wanted to cry, it wasn't under my control.

Having spent the weekend in Washington DC with other military families, many of them, my fellow Gold Star Moms and Dads, it seemed fitting we spend Mothers Day morning at Arlington with our “boys”.

Many people ask me why Ken is buried at Arlington and it is complicated and simple at the same time;there are many reasons. One of the reasons is that Ken has many more visitors at Arlington than he would in California. I like knowing that people visit Ken. He loved being a soldier and when he died, his life became a part of the history of this country, and for a soldier, where else should you be buried?

Three moms from our group, Gold Star Families Speak Out have our boys buried at Arlington, Tia, Diane and me. Tia and Diane & Neil Sr live on the east coast so they are able to visit more often. I know when they visit David & Neil, Jr, they visit Ken, also . I like knowing that.

Diane had written a few passages and prayers, so we had sort of a prayer service this morning. Besides, Tia and Neil & Diane, there was Celeste, Al and Raphael, Sherwood's parents and brother; Sue & Greg, Seth's mom and stepdad; Summer, Steven's mom; Carlos & Melida, Alex's dad and step mom; Elaine, Darrius' mom; Derek & Lorene, Seamus's mom & dad. We were a mournful group joined by some of our Blue Star friends, Charlie & Nancy from Military Families Speak Out and some others. How brave they were to be in our world.

When I stand at Ken's grave at Arlington, I am fiercely angry to think that people accuse me of being unpatriotic because I do not support the president. I want those people to come and stand with me or any Gold Star parent for that matter. I want them to look out at rows and rows and rows of these white granite headstones. Ken was the 89th soldier killed in Iraq or Afghanistan when he was buried on October 22, 2004 in Section 60. Since then, nearly 150 soldiers more have been buried at Arlington.

I know the president goes to Arlington for official purposes; laying the wreath at the unknown. All of that looks good in the media, but it is so removed from the reality of this war. I wonder if this president has ever walked through Section 60. Has he read the names and wondered about the lives and promises lost? I don't think so and I don't think he cares anyway.

Happy Mother's Day

Four years ago today, Ken left for Iraq.

I am in Washington DC this Mothers Day weekend for Eyes Wide Open, the America Friends Service Committee exhibit of empty combat boots-, representing the human cost of war . On the National Mall between the Washington Monument and the Capitol building, lay 2436 empty boots representing the US military lives that have been lost i Iraq. So many many empty lives.

On Saturday, there will be a Silent March around the National Mall made up of families and people who have been affected by this war in Iraq.

I will be one of the speakers after the march. Had I unlimited time to speak, I would say this:

This Sunday we celebrate Mother’s Day as a day to give thanks to the women in our lives. The greeting cards show flowers and hearts; the breakfast is served in bed and dinner’s are away from home so there are no dishes to wash. It is a cozy and loving day to be spent with family.

While our country is entering the fourth year of the war in Iraq and hostilities continue in other parts of the world, and hundreds of thousands of mother’s are separated from their loved ones, it is fitting that we know one of the origins of the Mother’s Day in the United States. The first vision of Mother’s Day was not so sweet and innocent.

Julia Ward Howe was a well known abolitionist during the Civil War. After the war, her efforts turned to pacifism and other similar endeavors. In 1870 she was the first to proclaim Mother's Day, with her Mother's Day Proclamation. It was to be a day dedicated to peace. She pondered the question

"Why do not the mothers of mankind interfere in these matters to prevent the waste of that human life of which they alone bear and know the
cost?”

Arise then...women of this day! Arise, all women who have hearts! Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearnAll that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience. We, the women of one country, Will be too tender of those of another countryTo allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.

As a mother whose son, my only child, was killed in Iraq nearly two years ago, I wonder about the soul of this country as the death toll rises every day and yet there is silence from the mother’s of this nation. Are they silent because they fear if they acknowledge this terrible war, then it might come home to rest on their own doorstep? Why are there no heartbreaking pleas to stop the madness? Do we feel so helpless that we cannot stop the war machine that rumbles on destroying lives and families? Do we feel so hopeless that we are paralyzed and cannot speak out to demand truth and honesty from the leaders of this country? I wish I knew.

I raised a great man who was proud to serve his country. Ken cared about his friends and family and he was blessed to have plenty of both. We were lucky to have had him in our lives for 26 years. But it was only 26 years. Ken had spent 384 days in Iraq and he was killed during a fierce battle on May 30, 2004. To think that this Sunday will be the 2nd Mother’s Day that I won’t be hearing from him is heartbreaking. He won’t come bounding into my bedroom with the greatest greeting card that he always took such pride in picking out for me. This year, instead of going to the beach as we always did, I will be spending this special day with my son at his gravesite at Arlington National Cemetery. When the first stars twinkle in the sky that night, I will look to those stars and hope that he is happy where he is. I will ask those same stars, “Will I ever know happiness again?” I wish I knew.

2436 families have suffered the most grievous loss in this war. Reports say that the administration was DEAD WRONG in their reasons for going to war; meanwhile my son is just DEAD.

For mothers who are lucky enough to be surrounded by their children and for those of us who are lucky enough to have our mothers in our lives, give hugs and give thanks.

Rumsfeld Under Fire....again

This is serious business making sure all members of the administration know they are not welcome in our towns. We've got less than 1000 days now to remind them at every stop, we want our country back and we want them to stop lying.

Today in Atlanta at the Southern Center for International Studies, Ray McGovern, a 27 year CIA analyst took the lead at a meeting with Rumsfeld. Ray McGovern is well qualified to call Rumsfeld on his lies. Wikipedia has a nice biography of him. He was a federal employee under 7 presidents and is former CIA chief for the Middle East, and a former CIA operations officer, making him a veteran of the CIA’s clandestine service, which manages the agency’s counterterrorism center, espionage and paramilitary operations. He recently returned his Intelligence Commendation Award medallion to Congressman Pete Hoekstra, R-MI, and Chair of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. His credentials are pristine. On my journey, I have met Ray on a few occasions and found him to be thoughtful and very intelligent- and he's a nice man.

Here's what the BBC had to say about the meeting today

McGovern: "Why did you lie to get us into a war that was not necessary, that has cause these kinds of casualties?"
Rumsfeld: "Well, first of all, I haven't lied. I did not lie then."

and then

Secretary Rumsfeld responded that U.S. forces in Iraq during the war used chemical suits because they also believed Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, because of the intelligence reports and because he had used such weapons before. He also said allegations that officials lied to justify the war are 'untrue,' and that such charges are 'destructive' of the trust needed in a democracy.

What does anyone in this administration know about trust? There is plenty of empirical evidence to support the allegations that this country was lied to, to convince us that we needed to go to war and that this administration had exhausted all options and this invasion was the last choice. Whenever anyone from the adminstration says that now, they just sound like a broken record. So, now they are lying about their lying. It's unbelievable.

Thanks, Ray for taking Atlanta today. We'll take it when any one of them come to California; it's only right.

Who's Supporting the Troops Now?

I get damned sick and tired of being called unpatriotic and treasonous because I think the best way to support our troops is to bring them home, NOW. People ask what my definition of "now" is and I say midnight, okay, I'll live with 7 a.m., but that's what "now" means to me.

I started speaking out against this war before Ken was killed. I questioned the plan for the peace, which we now know there is none. And after Ken was killed, I kept questioning the validity of invading a sovreign country that was no threat to the United States. And I will keep questioning why this war continues, why 2412 American soldiers have been killed in this mess, why nearly 18,000 American soldiers have been wounded, some of them grievously. We don't know how many Iraqis have been killed and there are plenty of Americans who don't even care about that statistic. Most Americans cannot name one Iraqi who has been killed; they are not human to them, they are collateral damage.

I believe that our country needs a strong military; if someone was trying to come ashore in South Carolina, I'd be down there with my pitchfork, too. But this administration is misusing and abusing our military and using them for their own personal financial and power gain. Our country will never be the same and if we regain the goodwill that we had around the world after 9/11, that day is a very long way off. This administration squandered that goodwill and replaced it with FEAR. I'm not feeling that much safer in this post 9/11 world, but that's the way this administration spins it.

So, I get pretty fired up about all this patriotism that this adminstration speaks about again and again. Then I hear a story about Senate Amendment 3594, EMERGENCY SUPPLEMENTAL APPROPRIATIONS FOR BORDER SECURITY, sponsored by Senator Judd Gregg (R-NH).

Even the title sounds impressive, Emergency Supplemental Appropriations Act for Defense, the Global War on Terror, and Hurricane Recovery, 2006 , but there are alot of things wrong with it. In the 4th year of this war, why are we funding it with emergency supplemental appropriations? Back in early 2002 when Rumsfeld said

We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know.

He was right in a way, because the war hadn't begun at that point and there were many unknowns. But do the math, people, how many soldiers times how many meals, times how much ammunition, times how many death gratuity payments times how much for transportation. Add in a few other factors, like the cost to recover from this or that injury and you've got a pretty good estimate for how much this war should be costing. To still be funding this 4 year war with an emergency supplemental appropriation is insulting, deceptive and outrageous.

The Gregg Amendment calls for $2,000,000: Provided, that the entire amount is solely for a contract with an independent non-Federal entity to conduct a needs assessment for comprehensive border security: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these self proclaimed patriotic, troop supporting legislators are sheep in wolves clothing, aw heck, they are just wolves; they don't care about the soldiers and I wish they would stop pretending they do. They are not a War Congress; 14 billion dollars of pork in this supplemental budget proves that. The Gregg amendment would pay for the (border security) program by an across-the-board 3% cut in funds in the bill to pay for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, including cuts in military personnel, operations and maintenance, Iraqi security forces training, programs to combat Improvised Explosive Devices, the Defense Health Program and the Death Gratuity Fund. With a 59-39 vote, the Gregg Amendment was passed. It was mostly by party lines, so I'll let you decide who supports the troops and who doesn't. I'll name names here; you should know Feinstein, Feingold, McCain, Dole, Santorum do not support the troops.

Take a minute and call or write to your Senator, ask them "Who supports the troops?" We deserve the truth.

By the Numbers

I once had a bad boss that told me numbers can say what you want them to say. He used the numbers to his favor in very bad ways.

The numbers below tell only one story, very black and white and very sad. This so called War on Terror in Iraq is not going well and it's time to bring the troops home.

Thanks to the good people at Think Progress for posting this snapshot of


and here's another pretty picture from Halliburton Watch. These numbers speak for themselves. I can add nothing more. Read them and weep.


Questions?